


When I Go

by Eleniekesulda



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock BBC
Genre: Love and Loss, M/M, Moriarty is back, Mycroft is a mess, Sherlock - Freeform, Sherlock is a Mess, Sherlock is going to die, The Final Problem, The final note, Tragedy, john loves Sherlock holmes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-23 14:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3771895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eleniekesulda/pseuds/Eleniekesulda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>-What will you tell John ~MH- 10:05pm</p>
<p>-Nothing. SH- 10:07pm</p>
<p>-It will destroy him. You do realise this? ~MH- 10:10pm</p>
<p>-William? MH- 10:28pm-</p>
<p>-William stop being a child ~MH- 10:35pm</p>
<p>-I wont tell him. SH- 10:37pm</p>
<p>-Sherlock. You died on him once, he couldn't handle it again ~MH- 10:40pm</p>
<p>-I don't want him to fret before i am gone Myc. As you said before. It will break him. SH- 10:46pm</p>
<p>-you love him don't you ~MH- 10:48pm</p>
<p>I stop. Do i? Do i love John Hamish Watson. I would have said no, i only love him as a friend. Not thinking twice. But now, knowing my fate, do i? Am i willing to take that second thought? Yes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-Yes SH- 10:55pm</p>
<p>-i wish you well brother ~MH- 10:59pm</p>
<p>-as do I. SH- 11:02pm</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Two words

**Author's Note:**

> I recently read 'alone on the water' (i havent cried so hard in years) and decided to write my own. This is a work in progress so please don't judge me.

I will not fall  
Once more I'm called  
Time comes for all  
Then dark is whole

But oh, my heart was flawed  
I knew my weakness  
So hold my hand  
Subscribe me not to darkness

~Mumford and Sons, to Darkness~

 

"Mr Holmes" I look up from my staring contest with the four year old sitting opposite me. He smiles sheepishly and I huff, rolling my eyes. The kid's mother smiles awkwardly. I finally leave the dull, white walled, blue seated waiting room of the clinic. I follow the doctor in and smile at John as he nods at me from his office in a 'let me know when it's over' sort of way.

"So" I say taking a seat and trying to look as normal as possible. Which, as most know, is quite hard for me. "All clear?" The doctor takes a deep breath. I see something in his eyes which makes my blood run cold. 

"I am afraid to inform you-" he pauses. "I... I. You have-" he takes another deep breath. 

"What?" I say. No. This cant be happening. He shakes his head and hands me the file. Going by my symptoms of random migraines, random blurred vision and my sudden sensitivity to light there is only one major thing it could be. Especially considering my seizure a few months ago. And it cant happen. I rush my eyes over it hoping that the only two words dont want to see are not there. I keep reading and stop dead at those two words.

'Brain aneurysm'

"I am so sorry" he says. I cant think properly. My mind palace is in shut down. A siren going off in my scull. It hurts. I picture John. His happy, beautiful eyes staring at me the first time we met. The same eyes that will soon never meet mine again.

"How-" i start and then my words catch in my throat. I need to know. I swallow. "How much time?"

"Anywhere in between two to eighteen months" he answers. A tear rolls down my cheek. Stupid emotions. Always getting in the way. Why am i so concerned anyway. It is either this. Or Moriarty. "I didn't want to tell John." He says after a few moments of silence. "I thought it would be better off it you chose to tell him."

"Th-thankyou" I manage to choke out. I stand take the file and leave, my mind palace taking over again. Control Sherlock! Control. I gain it.

"Sherlock!" John says running after me. I turn and smile. He greets me by smiling back. His strong blue eyes trying to catch mine.

"All good then?" He asks. I look away, unable to meet his eyes.

"Yea" i regretfully answer. "All clear"

**********

I cant tell him. I sit on my chair waiting for Mycroft's response. The cursed smiley face on the wall reminding me all to well of the little problem i need to settle. Maybe he will kill me before my brain betrays me. Yet to be honest it already has. Of all the things i could die from, this. This is how is i am going to die. My phone goes off.

-Sorry i didn't respond sooner. Brother, i am so sorry. I don't know what to say. ~MH- 9:43pm

-what is there to be sorry about. I am going to die. Sooner or later it was going to happen. SH- 9:50pm

-oh brother... ~MH- 9:52pm

-are you crying Mycroft? SH- 9:55pm

-yes ~MH- 9:57

-So you do care. SH- 9:59

-I never didn't. I simply refrained ~MH- 10:03pm

-What will you tell John ~MH- 10:05pm

-Nothing. SH- 10:07pm

-It will destroy him. You do realise this? ~MH- 10:10pm

-William? MH- 10:28pm-

-William stop being a child ~MH- 10:35pm

-I wont tell him. SH- 10:37pm

-Sherlock. You died on him once, he couldn't handle it again ~MH- 10:40pm

-I don't want him to fret before i am gone Myc. As you said before. It will break him. SH- 10:46pm

-you love him don't you ~MH- 10:48pm

I stop. Do i? Do i love John Hamish Watson. I would have said no, i only love him as a friend. Not thinking twice. But now, knowing my fate, do i? Am i willing to take that second thought? Yes.

-Yes SH- 10:55pm

-i wish you well brother ~MH- 10:59pm

-as do I. SH- 11:02pm

I put the phone down and close my eyes. I guess it is obvious. That I love John. I grab a pen, a nice one. And grab my good writing paper from the draw in my bedroom and begin to write. No words come. I will write a paragraph after each month that i live.

I jump as a text comes in from someone else. It is from John.

-Can i stay with you tonight?- 11:49pm

I smile. What a stupid question.

-of coarse you can John. SH- 11:53pm


	2. Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So both chapters are a work in progress. Check every now and again to see if anything has changed. I do like this chapter as i hope you do aswell, but yea. It may need some tweaking. Enjoy.

One day your story will be told.  
One of the lucky ones who's made his name.  
One day they'll make you glorious,  
Beneath the lights of your deserved fame.  
And it all comes round.  
Once in a lifetime like it always does.  
Everybody loves you 'cause you've taken a chance,  
Out on a dance to the moon, too soon.  
And they'll say told you so.  
We were the ones who saw you first of all.  
We always knew that you were one of the brightest stars.  
One day they'll tell you that you've changed,  
Though they're the ones who seem to stop and stare.  
One day you'll hope to make the grave

~James Blunt, one of the brightest stars~

 

-Lestrade. SH- 8:07am

-i am on a case. GL- 8:08am

-would you mind coming over for lunch? SH- 8:10am

-sure why? GL- 8:14am

-something very important has arisen and i need you to know about it. SH- 8:16am

-see you at 12:30 then. GL- 8:17am

 

-Hey Molly. SH- 8:24am

-Sherlock! I haven't seen you in over a month. How are you? Molly- 8:26am

-not to good. Could you come over at 12:30 for lunch, i need to tell you and Lestrade something important. SH- 8:29am

-sure. I hope you are ok Sherlock. I hate it when you are not good. Molly- 8:30am

 

I put the phone down and check my watch. John has already left for work before I got up. But i need to speak to Molly and Greg and either I or Mycroft has to tell them. Four hours until lunch. And four hours until i have to break it to them. Maybe i'll go to the shops and make food myself. Maybe i'll clear the dining room table so we can actually eat on it. Why not?

I don't care about my dumb home experiments anymore. Don't need them anymore. I open the fridge and look at all my so-called experiments. Why did i choose to do them here? I have a whole lab at Barts! I have allot of cleaning to do.

**********

"Who are you and what have you done with Sherlock?" Lestrade laughs patting me on the back. "Are you trying to poison us? Or did you buy this" he asks gesturing towards the carefully made soup. I spent a while remembering how to make that goddamned soup. I am actually rather proud of it.

"No, i made it, my mums recipe. She tried to teach it to me once. I guess i was listening" i answer honestly. His look questions my response.

"Are you alright mate?" He asks. I smile faintly and shake my head. Tears sting at the edges of my eyes. "Oh Sherlock" he says and wraps his arms around me. And i hug him  
Back.

"Sherlock?" Molly's small voice comes from the doorway. "What- what is going on" i pull away from Greg who seems a little stunned.

"Please" i say nodding towards the table. "Take a seat"

**********

"Sherlock" Greg says gruffly as he hoes into the soup. I smirk. He hasn't eaten properly in a few weeks after his wife left him. And going by the state of his shirt pockets he hasn't been ironing his clothes properly. And not to mention the un matching socks. But i hold my comments back. "You can cook!"

"Thank You" I say. I haven't eaten anything, and Molly looks rather concerned. She looks like she hasn't slept properly in a while. Her eyes are dull and are dark underneath. Her clothing choice doesn't have it's normal... Well, normality to it. Hence hurried start, possibly slept through her alarm and must have had a pretty dodgy night with the left over sparkles in her hair. I shake my thoughts away. At least i am not breaking down.

"Sherlock" she says putting her spoon down. She looks me in the eye and smiles. "What do you need to tell us?" I sigh and look at them. They both stare at me intently.

"A few weeks ago i had a few tests done after i had that seizure" i start. Molly nods and Lestrade looks shocked but doesn't say anything. I hold back my tears and try not to think of John. Funny how my emotions slip when i think of him. I stand up and take Lestrade and Molly's empty bowls. I change the topic slightly. "you see, on my first case with John. The taxi driver had a condition. He was basically a dead man walking. But aside from that. I went back to the clinic yesterday and... And turns out i have a brain aneurism. And i might even not live till next Christmas" Molly looks like she is about to faint. Her eyes grow watery and her face is unnaturally white. Lestrade just stares. Blankly. He finds his words first.

"Sherlock-" he manages to croak. "What about John?" Molly starts to cry, fully. She stands and runs around the table crashing into me. Her face buried in my chest. I wrap an arm around her shoulders and run my other hand through her hair. One thing about knowing you are going to die, is also knowing who you are going to leave behind.

"I haven't told John" I say as Molly manages to quiet down.

"What!?" Molly and Lestrade both say at the same time.

"I.. I cant bring myself to tell him. Knowing that I will live the rest of my life with him depressed if i do." I say. Lestrade nods knowingly.

"I have to go" Lestrade says checking his phone. I nod. "See ya Molly. Sherlock, take care." he says. Molly waves. I lead molly over to the couch and we sit for a while, Molly leaning against me. We don't say anything much.

"I better go" Molly says after about an hour. I say my goodbyes and look towards my writing paper. I know what my first paragraph will be. I scrap my old draft and start fresh. So i write it.

'my dearest John Watson,

The horrible thing about knowing you are going to die, is knowing the incredible people you are going to leave behind. If i could choose i'd stay, as to not condemn those people into sadness. But out of all those people John, none i will be sadder to leave then you. You have my heart my beloved Doctor. You are the one and only person who ever will. When you came into my dangerous world i knew that my life would change for the better. And it did'

**********

JOHN

-John. Could you get the milk please? SH- 4:25pm

-Yes, of coarse i will. JW- 4:27pm

-i have a surprise for you when you get back. SH- 4:30pm

-oh dear lord Sherlock! JW- 4:32pm

-don't fret John! It is a good thing! SH- 4:33pm

-Ok, but you better not have set the bloody curtains on fire! JW- 4:35pm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it. How many months do you think Sherlock will live? Any suggestions on this or on Sherlock's final adventures? Comment below!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed it and please comment any suggestions for Sherlock's final cases.


End file.
